Dear Amy: My in-laws are wonderful people. They are now elderly.
Their complaint over the past five years is that I have no patience with them.
This has bled over into my relationship with my wife, who complains that I always have to be the smartest person in the room.
Couples counseling proved unfulfilling and solved nothing, because things are even-keeled in our marriage until her parents become involved.
How do you go about finding a good psychotherapist?
I have not had much luck in doing so.
After all, I apparently have a serious problem.
I have come to believe that I am incompatible with the human race.
— Incompatible
Dear Incompatible: Reading somewhat into your query, I sense a distinct “smartest person in the room” vibe. (But wait — this is supposed to be my room!)
So first, this: Successful counseling depends to a large degree on you surrendering to the process. This requires a level of humility, along with a willingness to work the program, as well as submitting to a sincere desire to change.
It is impossible to do this if you believe (or know for a fact) that you are smarter than your therapist, and if you hold onto this belief as a core value.
Is it possible to be smarter than your counselor, and yet still respect the idea that they might know more about counseling people than you do?
If so, then finding a competent counselor shouldn’t be too hard. (You can find a therapist through personal recommendations, your physician, your local university, or various online databases. I recommend and use the American Psychology Association’s therapist locator at locator.apa.org.)
You say that things are absolutely fine until your elderly in-laws test your patience. I submit that things in your own household might not be fine, and that your marriage could improve — as long as you and your wife are motivated to deal with your stressors and improve your dynamic.
So — do you want to change? Or would you really prefer it if your wonderful elderly in-laws changed in order not to be quite so taxing to your patience?
Here’s a truth: Your in-laws will not change in ways that favor your preferences. Instead, they will continue to change in ways that test you.
I wonder if you are smart enough and brave enough to pass this series of tests.
That will be up to you.
Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my mid-20s and I’ve been with my boyfriend since high school. I fell in love with him in ninth grade and (honestly) pursued him for a couple of years until I let him catch me (ha ha).
I’ve always been quite large and overweight, and my weight is a huge issue for him.
He only showed an interest in dating me after I had lost a considerable amount of weight in high school.
I’ve mainly kept this weight off, but it has been a struggle. I’m down to a size 8.
We are talking about marriage, but he says he will only propose to me if I lose a little more weight.
Several of my female family members are overweight, and he says that if I wind up looking like them, he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship.
We are super-compatible in every other way. I guess I need a gut check (ha ha) about my relationship. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.
— Wondering Woman
Dear Wondering: It is a lifelong struggle to tackle an eating disorder.
In this case, I’d say that your guy is the one with the disorder.
His obsession with weight doesn’t leave a lot of room for a person’s humanity and vulnerability to emerge.
I’d suggest that he could use professional help to cope with his obsession.
And now my advice to you: Lace up your sneakers and run. Think of all the calories you will expend as you jog away from this controlling jerk.
I assume that your friends and family members have expressed concern about this relationship. Listen to them, and to me.
Liberation is around the corner.
Dear Amy: I read the question from “Sad Grandma” with interest. This grandmother was dreading a holiday visit with her 3-year-old granddaughter because the child is too chatty, distracting the adults, and “makes noises.”
How about flipping that script?
What if someone complained about their chatty grandmother who distracted others and made noises?
Surely some patience and understanding are called for!
— A Reader
Dear Reader: You’ve provided a useful flip. Thank you.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)