Dear Amy: When our son visits us with his teenage daughter, she totally trashes her room during her stay.
As the grandmother and host, can I demand that she keep her room in some semblance of order?
— Demanding Gram
Dear Gram: It’s your home, and you can issue demands with abandon.
But your son should work with his daughter to teach her how to be a better guest.
For now, I suggest that you approach this more like a grandmother and less like a drill sergeant.
First, this caveat. I don’t know if you have raised any daughters, but teenage girls are notoriously messy. (I’m having flashbacks just thinking about it.) Some tolerance and grandmotherly indulgence is called for.
Handle this with clarity and humor. Tell the teen, “This is your room while you’re here, and I want you to feel cozy, comfortable and at home. But it’s my room the rest of the time, so can you do me a favor and keep it tidier? I love looking in and seeing you in this space. But I don’t want my head to explode. Imagine the mess!” Ask her to follow one or two easy-to-follow rules, such as “no food in your room,” or “no wet towels on the floor.”
Make sure there are some photos of her in the room. This (and other decorative touches) might inspire her to respect the space a little more.
You could also teach her some basic life skills while she is with you. If she is with you for more than a week, ask her to help you to change her bed, launder the linens, and remake it.
Before they depart, you could ask her and her father to help you to “strip” the beds (hers and her dad’s), because that’s what thoughtful guests do (or offer to do) at the end of their stay.
Overall, even with my own adult daughters, I find it less stressful to just keep their bedroom doors closed during their visits home.
Dear Amy: I am a recent graduate with a master’s degree, and have an opportunity to coach my high school alma mater’s cross-country team this spring while I am home looking for professional jobs in my field (excuse the pun).
I’m excited about the opportunity but I’m concerned about the best way to communicate with my student athletes.
Is it OK to text them? I’m aware that they are vulnerable. I’m also closer in age to them than many coaches might be. I don’t want to cross any lines so I’m wondering about the best way to approach this.
— Future Coach
Dear Coach: This is a valid concern. You should ask the athletic director at the high school to provide specific direction on communicating with students.
There are apps you can use to communicate with a group (about schedules, etc.), which also allow one-on-one messaging. Remind.com has designed an app specifically for educators to communicate with their students and parents. This is done without revealing your (or their) individual phone numbers, thus protecting the privacy of both.
A reminder to never comment on a student’s appearance (including compliments), overshare personal details, or communicate with them about matters outside of your area.
If students don’t respect the professional boundaries you set (by oversharing, making personal comments to you, or contacting you too frequently), you should ask your athletic director/mentor and the student’s parents for guidance.
If your school does not provide specific-enough recommendations about the best way to keep in touch with your students, you should definitely ask the parents of each of your athletes.
Email is a great way to go (you and they have a record of all communication), but I’m aware that for some teenagers, email is the equivalent of the pony express.
Dear Amy: Thank you for your reply to “Concerned,” who was asking whether she should combine households with her boyfriend, who was a serious hoarder.
My advice to her is to run! I married a hoarder. When our house burned down I was ecstatic — it meant starting over with a clean slate, or so I thought!
When my husband died, he was renting over five warehouses (not storage lockers, but actual warehouses) to keep his “stuff,” because our home was full again.
After his death I got rid of everything. I found more than $25,000 in cash hidden in different places.
Our son is now a hoarder who refuses to seek help.
— Still Traumatized
Dear Traumatized: This sounds like a nightmare.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)