Dear Eric: Throughout our marriage my husband has had trysts online and in person. When I became aware of this, I began the process of leaving but then was diagnosed with cancer and my focus completely changed from leaving to surviving.
Now my children, a teen and preteen, have become aware of my husband’s infidelity. My daughter saw my husband kissing another woman about a year ago. She’s only now shared this.
I’m scared to leave. I am an independent contractor so I don’t have my own health insurance, plus neither of us could financially survive a divorce.
Most importantly, even with his infidelity, I love him and the life we have together. I know he’ll never leave, but he also isn’t going to stop cheating.
My children aren’t bitter toward their father but continue to make comments that I should leave and that I need to have some self-respect.
Do I continue to ignore these remarks? Or do I have a hard adult conversation with them and explain that even when there is infidelity there can still be love?
— Trapped at Home
Dear Home: I am so sorry that you’re going through this complicated time. You deserve care and support. I’m sorry you’re not getting either.
It’s time for a conversation with your kids. Your husband needs to take an active role in this.
Tell him that it’s up to him to own up to his actions and have a mature talk with the kids about their misplaced shaming. He should do this part on his own, this isn’t your burden to share and the kids need to get that.
It will be a good lesson for your children about what self-respect actually is. (Here’s the CliffsNotes version: You do have self-respect and you’re facing impossible choices.)
Judging from his behavior, I’m almost certain your husband won’t immediately spring into action when asked to help.
I know that leaving is not an option you can entertain, and you’ve said he won’t stop cheating, but you should draw a line at him taking responsibility for the impact of his actions.
You do deserve this much (and more). It is not unfair to ask for it.
If it’s possible, work with a family therapist. Your kids are also dealing with a lot. While their comments toward you are unfair, their acting out is probably also indicative of deeper pain they don’t have the emotional vocabulary to deal with.
Of equal importance: A family therapist can help you sort out your own feelings. Your emotional health shouldn’t come secondary to anyone else’s.
Dear Eric: My daughter visited my son and daughter-in-law in anticipation of the arrival of their baby daughter. The nursery was decorated with wallpaper that had roses as a motif. My daughter loved the design.
A year later, my daughter gave birth to her daughter, named Rose. She had looked online for many wallpaper designs but returned to the same rose design that my daughter-in-law had, which was a very popular choice and fit my granddaughter’s name.
My daughter-in-law is very hurt. Now she will not speak with my daughter or attend any family occasions if my daughter is present because she feels that my daughter stole her idea. She insists that my daughter remove the rose design wallpaper.
I suggested to my daughter that she change the wallpaper to “keep the peace” as it is only wallpaper. My daughter refuses to do so because she loves the wallpaper, it is not “unique” as many have it, and she does not want to give in to what she considers irrational demands. What would you suggest?
— Thorny Dilemma
Dear Thorny: I suggest that your daughter-in-law go outside, calm down and touch some grass. She cannot have a monopoly on every product. And buying it first doesn’t give her “dibs.” One cannot be a Conquistador of Costco.
Your daughter doesn’t need to remodel a room in her home to appease your daughter-in-law. That peace isn’t worth keeping. The position your daughter-in-law is taking is unreasonable and, perhaps worse, no fun.
During the first few years of the pandemic, a wall of my office was covered by a gorgeous wallpaper with huge floral blooms in the style of a Dutch Masters painting. It was designed by Ellie Cashman and elicited enthusiastic comments every single time I logged on to a Zoom, which was multiple times a day. And multiple times a day I would happily tell people where the wallpaper was from and I’d drop the link in the chat box for good measure.
(I have no stake, financial or otherwise, in Ellie Cashman Design. I’ve just never been happier with a purchase.)
It does no one any good to hoard the things that make you happy. Joy is not a scarce commodity.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)