Dear Eric: I’m in my late 50s, my husband is in his early 70s. While he’s always been incredibly intelligent, he has also always had a very poor memory. We believe he might also have ADHD.
As he’s aged, his memory and decision-making has worsened. Several years ago, we had him baselined by a neuropsychologist, then re-evaluated twice. His assessment showed nothing more than age-related memory changes.
After the last assessment three years ago, the neuropsychologist indicated that we were probably having him evaluated more often than he needed.
I’ve gotten help for my own anxiety about this and feel like I’m handling that part of it much better. But I still find myself frustrated and impatient when we set up procedures or tools or lists or whiteboards or that are intended to help him, and he either forgets to use them or delusionally believes himself capable of remembering without them.
He is quite capable and independent now, but I will be his caregiver as he grows older. If I’m this frustrated and at a loss now, I’m concerned about what is to come.
— Trying to Stay on Task
Dear Task: Fear of future forgetfulness is crowding your present. Try to stay in the here and now.
In the book “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help”, Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery write “You can’t shame yourself, or be shamed, into being more functional.” This is a message for your husband and for you.
Your anxiety and frustration aren’t something that you should feel ashamed of, but they aren’t going to be effective catalysts to positively change in your relationship.
When your husband doesn’t take advantage of help, it probably feels like a personal affront. It’s not. Don’t take his neurological state personally.
His memory struggles are also frustrating and possibly shame-inducing for him, too.
Have a conversation about places in your life where you feel like you’re carrying more than your share of the burden. Do this without blame and with a focus on solutions to which you can both commit.
Even though your husband’s memory issues are age-related, your state’s Department of Aging will have resources for you. For instance, the Texas Department of Aging has a hotline staffed by trained professionals — 855-YES-ADRC.
Dear Eric: I’ve been living with my niece for the past year since my mom passed. Neither of us know anyone outside of family. I lived with mom until she had to go into a nursing home. I can’t work because I’m on disability and haven’t had a job in 20 years. I haven’t made new friends in a long time. It’s a struggle to pay bills. I have food stamps and go to the pantry, but it goes fast. I need objective advice on how to get ahead.
— Falling Behind
Dear Falling: You’re confronting social problems and financial problems at once. It’s no wonder you’re overwhelmed.
Choose one small part of this seemingly insurmountable constellation of troubles and make a plan to chip away at it. If it’s your isolation you want to address, make a goal of meeting one neighbor a week, for instance.
Visit your library and ask for help locating free local financial management services or literature.
You’ve experienced a lot of upheaval in the past year. It will take time to get your bearings. Challenge yourself with manageable goals but make sure you also celebrate your wins, too.
Dear Eric: I cried when I learned that Amy Dickinson was leaving her advice column. At my age, this old heart is just so broken.
Another ending is facing me, and I don’t know where to put my feelings. Amy’s column helped me through so many sad, terrible and confusing times.
She truly helped, not in any professional way but in a kind, neighborly way.
How do I ameliorate this great sadness from losing yet another wise voice? How do I survive now in this increasingly cruel, ageist, heterosexist, and just plain mean world?
— No More Endings
Dear Endings: I’m a longtime fan of Amy’s just like you. We shared a relationship with her that I’m not trying to replace. I couldn’t. But that relationship doesn’t go away.
Many column questions are about having trouble with change. That’s human and it can be hard. It can feel like we’re being left behind. When change isn’t what we want, the world can feel full of endings.
I’ve learned that, though I can’t stop change, I can adjust my relationship to it so that I can be in the flow of change. I can see endings as also new beginnings, as invitations to dream possibilities, and as a chance to commemorate what was and what will always be. I wish that for you, as well.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)