Be it a QR code, a laminated tri-fold monstrosity, or chicken scratch on a chalkboard, the menu is the beginning of any restaurant experience. Some menus are easy to navigate while others are pages long with descriptions and novella-length backstories. But they all share the same purpose: to guide you to your order, and possibly to safety. 

Instagram isn’t IRL

If you’re holding a menu that has pictures instead of words, be aware that photos and real life are two different things. What shows up to the table may share a passing resemblance to the photo, but it wasn’t primped and preened like the pasta primavera in the picture. Think of it like an Instagram feed that has been carefully curated, filtered, and Photoshopped within an inch of its life. It’s made to look perfect and real life is seldom that. Lower your visual expectations. 

That wine-ordering trick you heard about doesn’t actually work

The cocktail list is my favorite part of a menu. It’s what I look at even before the food. Always check if there is a happy hour element to the menu because it’s a shame to order a drink only to see a variation of that same cocktail on the happy hour menu for two dollars less. We can’t all be sommeliers so sometimes a wine list is intimidating. I was introduced to the grape by way of  Bartles & Jaymes and California Coolers and my wine knowledge is still lacking.

When I don’t see anything familiar like a Chardonnay or a Sauvignon Blanc, that’s when I look in the description for things I enjoy, like fruity, dry, or a high alcohol content. Your server is there to help you, but you might find yourself basing your decision on price. Don’t order the second cheapest to make it look like you know what you’re doing. Very often, the second least expensive wine is just as affordable as the least expensive one but it’s been jacked up in price for anyone who doesn’t want to look cheap by buying the cheapest option.

Those letter codes can save your money and your health

Don’t let all the abbreviations confuse you. If you don’t know what they mean, they probably aren’t as important to you as someone who’s vegan and is scanning the menu for that VG posted next to an entree. Someone with a lactose intolerance is looking for DF for dairy free while someone else who’s avoiding gluten is looking for the GF for gluten free. A lot of menus will have MP next to an entree and this is your cue to ask the server what the market price is of what you want to order. Always ask, or you might just end up with a $42 lobster roll like I did a couple of weeks ago. Yes, it was a great lobster roll, but did I need to spend $42 for lunch? No, I did not. 

Downloads are a downer

Menus are accessible way before you get to a restaurant so it’s never a bad idea to go online to look at it before you get there. If you’re like me, you want to know what you’re going to order so you can think about it all day. And by the way, if you’re a restaurant owner reading this, please know that nobody wants to download a PDF of your menu that ends up in a download folder somewhere. Customers just want to click a link and see the menu, hopefully right next to the address and the hours. And please don’t just post a photo of your menu that I have to zoom in to read. Customers need menus and we want them to be easy to use. 

Oh mama, don’t make the same mistake I did

One last thing about menus. If something is described as umami, please don’t be like me up until five years ago and think it has anything to do with edamame, the delicious soybean treat that you peel to eat. Umami is one of the five basic tastes like sweet, sour, salty, and bitter. It has more of a meaty, savory flavor and if a soup is described that way, it will definitely not come with a side of edamame for the table.