Dear Amy: I grew up in the ’60s in a Midwestern family where we were taught to repress our emotions.
I was a sensitive and creative kid, the youngest of three brothers.
My parents were loving but detached, which offered my brother (who was two and a half years older) endless opportunities to torment me.
I moved away from our small town after high school and have had a good life and successful career.
But it took many years to overcome the low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence that I partly attribute to my brother’s abuse.
I’ve since realized that my brother was depressed, and even now, many years later, he hasn’t been in therapy or received medical treatment for his depression.
I’ll be seeing my brother in a few months and am wondering if I should tell him how I feel?
We’re both in our early 70’s, and talking about it now seems ridiculous, but at the same time I wonder if keeping quiet is upholding an unhealthy family tradition. Should he be held accountable for his actions?
But then again, we’re old, and why should I make a sick person feel worse about his own life? Seems like bad karma.
I often wonder what it would have been like to have a supportive older brother. It would have meant so much to me. Yet I’ve been able to become a loving husband and father to three children, one of whom is severely disabled.
I recognize that my parents did get some things right, and have forgiven my brother.
I’m in a quandary about this and am wondering what you think.
— Baffled in Boston
Dear Baffled: You ask whether your brother should be held accountable for his actions.
Of course he should!
In a perfect world, we would all be held accountable for our actions, and yet I’m wondering what accountability looks like to you.
Your brother’s life doesn’t seem to have been particularly easy, while you have successfully overcome the adversity presented by growing up in your household.
If you believe in karma, you might view this outcome as accountability — of the cosmic kind.
You say you’ve forgiven your brother, and if so, this should enable you to approach him with compassion. It’s a popular understanding that bullies are sometimes wounded, themselves. And bullying, far from establishing secure control and power, also breaks down the bully’s self-esteem.
When visiting with your brother, you should attempt to revisit your shared past by reminiscing about more benign moments. You can then attempt to discuss your own challenges.
Your brother arrived into the family before you, and likely has impressions and memories that are very different from yours.
Your goal should not be to make your elder brother feel worse about his own life, but to better understand your family’s overall dysfunctional system.
I hope you can leave this meeting believing that you’ve put some of these questions to rest.
Dear Amy: Several years ago my then-granddaughter (in her 20s) transitioned to a male.
All of us in the family have supported him 100 percent.
I’ve always been the family picture taker.
Over the years I have framed many group shots of family birthday parties, reunions, beach vacations, etc.
Am I wrong to display these photos that include “he” as “she?”
Over the years, several relatives have died, and I haven’t removed their pictures.
Should I treat this the same way, or am I being (accidentally) offensive?
Suggestions?
— No Offense Intended
Dear No Offense: Dead relatives aren’t available to tell you how they feel about having photos of themselves framed and in your home.
Given that your grandson has not died, but is very much living his authentic life, you should ask him, specifically, how he feels about having these photos displayed.
I assume there is no universal response to this, but seeing these older photos could be a difficult trigger for him. That’s why you should discuss it.
Dear Amy: I am the overweight adult daughter of another “Concerned Mother.”
Thank you for advising this mom to lay off.
I also eat well and exercise. My weight gain is associated with prescriptions I take for a health condition that I have chosen not to share with my mom.
And the irony of it is that I am under close medical supervision!
You never know what someone else is going through, even if you are close.
— Please Stop
Dear Please Stop: It can be exceedingly challenging for parents to let their adult children … be adults.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)