Dear Amy: I am a 68-year-old professional woman with advanced degrees.
I have a very successful career, a loving husband, and great family and friends.
I was adopted at birth by my biological mother’s older sister and her husband. My parents gave me an amazing life full of love and opportunities.
I grew up knowing my biological mom, and spent some time with her over the years.
Once as a teenager, she asked me if I wanted to meet my biological father and I refused. In retrospect I probably thought it would be an insult to the wonderful father who raised me.
My biological mom died young, and now my parents are also gone.
I found out recently from my mother’s only living sister that my biological father was also the father of a very famous entertainer (still alive).
Apparently, my biological mother had an affair with this married man and fled back home to have the baby and willingly gave me up to her married and stable older sister.
Again, my life is great, and I don’t want or need anything from this estranged “brother” — except maybe recognition.
I grew up as an only child.
Should I contact this famous person to let him know that I’m his sister — or should I take it to my grave?
I look forward to your response. It feels great just to have written this.
— Looking
Dear Looking: I’m going to make the kindest assumption that your interest in this “brother” would exist, even if you didn’t believe that he is a famous entertainer.
And yet this is an enticing bit of hearsay, and your curiosity is understandable.
However — you present no documentary or other evidence that this is true.
Fortunately, there are ways to investigate your parentage — beginning with documents and ending with DNA.
I suggest that at the very least you should have evidence verifying — or at least making credible — your understanding about your biological father.
Having your DNA tested and researching your family’s genealogy would be extremely useful. And, unlike many adopted people, you already know many biological family members.
Start with the aunt who passed along this information to you; glean as much information and evidence from her as you can.
Follow through with DNA testing.
I assume that Very Famous Entertainers do occasionally have people coming out of the worn woodwork of their family trees, claiming to be related.
The more evidence you have (photos, letters, diaries, DNA), the better your chances are of getting past this “brother’s” handlers and perhaps connecting with him personally.
I sincerely hope that your search yields a sibling connection for you.
Dear Amy: I’m in my mid-50s and my weight has fluctuated over the years by about 25 pounds.
I exercise regularly, eat well, and am very healthy.
Currently, I’m at the lower end of my personal weight spectrum.
Now, the issue: Whenever I see my mother-in-law (approximately every three months), her very first comment will be something like, “Wow, have you lost more weight?” or, “You look so thin!”
I know that she thinks that she is paying me compliments, but I see this as evidence of her extreme focus on weight.
(Whenever I have gained weight, she is silent.)
How should I respond in order to get her to stop commenting on my body at all?
I’ve tried quickly saying “thanks” and then moving on, but it continues to irritate me.
Her daughter struggles with her weight and I know that her mother’s comments bother her acutely.
I don’t like anyone saying anything about my body size — good or bad, friend or family, well-intentioned or not.
What should I say when I receive these “compliments?”
— Upset
Dear Upset: I respect your sensitivity about this, even though receiving well-intentioned (if misguided) “compliments” from a mother-in-law is a problem that other people might not mind having. (Could you consider giving this elder woman a pass?)
If you don’t like receiving these comments, you can respond: “I know you mean well, but this makes me feel very self-conscious. Can you agree to not say anything at all about my weight?”
Dear Amy: “Wondering” witnessed “John” regularly taking another woman into her dear friend’s apartment during the day.
I think she should take a picture of this activity. That way, John can’t claim that she is making this up.
Sometimes evidence is a good thing to have.
— Observant
Dear Observant: While photographing this does seem like a weird surveillance, I do agree that it would offer proof.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)