LEE COUNTY, Fla. — Applying for a new job? Or hoping to get the girl of your dreams? Well…getting what you want starts with communication. A former FBI agent who faced high-stakes situations in the field shares how he learned to navigate negotiation.
Whether it’s a hostage situation or handling an argument with a family member, he’s teaching people the skills to succeed.
Eric Drick of Lee County says life “is all about negotiating no matter how you look at it.”
But how do you get what you want out of it??
Paul Catania, visiting from Toronto, Canada, says, “I’m more straightforward about any approach I make.”
Cindy Fedor of Lee County agrees, “I do what I want, and I get what I want!
Chris Voss spent 24 years working as an FBI agent. “I teach people to get agreement, not to get yes,” he said. Voss was part of the Joint Terrorist Task Force in New York City and eventually became the bureau’s Lead International Kidnapping Negotiator.
He used tactical conversation techniques with criminals to get them to release hostages. Voss said it was during his first and only bank robbery negotiation that he realized empathy wasn’t just for people in crisis.
His journey was the inspiration behind his book, “Never Split the Difference.”
“I’m hearing people talk about it as a parenting book. They’re talking about it as a relationship book. It’s about collaboration, and the book’s done very well. It’s actually led the business negotiation category for the last 7 years.”
He told a story about one of the times he realized his hostage negotiation techniques could be used in everyday life, saying, “It’s a lesson I learned from a drug dealer in Pittsburgh! I’d worked a kidnapping previously where the outcome was very negative….but in the middle of that case, I knew that somebody had gotten the hostages on the phone.”
Voss says that getting a hostage on the phone was something completely unheard of in the world of high-stakes negotiation. It made him wonder how the negotiator made it happen. “It bothered me for a really long time. And then this drug dealer’s girlfriend got kidnapped in Pittsburgh. Drug dealer on a drug dealer.”
He eventually learned it wasn’t the negotiator that got the hostage on the phone. It was actually one of the drug dealers that pulled off this seemingly impossible feat.
“The hostage negotiator is riding around with this guy recording his conversations with the other drug dealer. And the victim drug dealer says on the phone. Literally, he says, “Hey dog, how do I know she’s alright?”…… And it was this long pause on the other end of the phone, and the kidnapper came back on with a completely different tone of voice–not demanding, not pushy. And he just said, “I’ll put her on the phone!”
It was the “how” question that really made the difference.
“How are we supposed to pay you if we don’t know they’re alive?” and we put this in the middle of these international kidnappings, and it changed the dynamics every time. No kidnapper, no bad guy ever got mad,” Voss said.
Through his book, Voss explains how to use that “how” question in your own life.
“It’s making the other side take a look at your position. It’s also an implementation question. You’re saying to the other side, look, there’s problems here. If we don’t take another approach, I don’t see how I could do this,” said the expert negotiator.
“How am I supposed to do that?” It’s a simple question that works on so many levels when delivered with a certain tone–which is another valuable tool taught in “Never Split the Difference.”
To get loud and become aggressive is never the answer. In fact, Voss says he likes to be playful as much as possible. He says because of his playfulness, sometimes before he’s even finished a sentence, he’s successfully triggered a positive side of your brain. But occasionally pulls out what he calls the “Late night FM DJ voice.”
The former agent said, “If I already know you’re angry–I’m probably going to go with a soothing, calming, downward inflecting voice, but I’m going to switch to playful first chance I get.”
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Voss says good collaboration is all about building empathy. The people we talked to seemed to understand that. Drick said, “No matter what the situation is, you kind of just want to make the other person feel important.”
Voss agrees by making the other person feel seen; you are more likely to get the result you* ultimately want. It’s a technique he backed up with another story about a recent interaction with a stressed-out worker at an airline counter.
He said, “I walk up to her, and I go “tough day?” not how are you, “tough day,” she kind of relaxed for a second, and she just shook it off, and she goes no! No, as a matter of fact, it’s not and then started to interact with me. It showed her that I saw her.
According to Voss, it’s simple, and it makes people more willing to work with you.
“I started out by just taking an educated guess on how she was, and she felt seen instantly, and she shook off the negativity. And it’s a great way to practice,” he said.
It’s an easy tool for everyday conversations to help you come out on top.
For more information on Voss and his book, click here.