Three-run home run! (Gurriel Jr.) Rangers 11-5 Diamondbacks

Sacrifice fly (Pham) Rangers 11-2 Diamondbacks

Rangers 11-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 8th

Walker hits a single to load the bases. It turns out that the mission was not so doable for Burke, who could get just one out before Rangers manager Bruce Bochy felt the need to replace him, this time with Chris Stratton.

Rangers 11-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 8th

One on, one out for Moreno. Moreno hits a single. So it’s now two on, one out for Walker.

Rangers 11-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 8th

Carroll hits a single. Good for him.

Rangers 11-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 8th

Lefthander Brock Burke is the next Rangers pitcher. His goal will be to get three outs without surrendering ten or more runs. It feels pretty doable honestly! Marte is leading off the inning. Meanwhile, disappointed Diamondbacks fans are making their own fun and launching paper airplanes in the stadium.

Marte flies out to center for the half-inning’s first out.

Rangers 11-1 Diamondbacks, top 8th

Marcus Semien strikes out looking. The good news for the Diamondbacks is that the Rangers only have three more outs remaining to pummel their pitchers. The bad news is pretty much everything else.

Rangers 11-1 Diamondbacks, top 8th

Jankowski is up with nobody on and one out and he grounds out to the pitcher.

Rangers 11-1 Diamondbacks, top 8th

Nelson shrugs the home run off, it’s not like the final score matters much here, and he gets Taveras to ground out to shortstop in the next at-bat.

Home run (Heim) Rangers 11-1 Diamondbacks

I’m going to give you the most boring answer possible: before he got hurt, this season was all about Shohei Ohtani. He really helped me rediscover my love for the game and I’m grateful for that.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 7th

Domo arigato, Geraldo Perdomo. He hits a foul ball that the Rangers outfielders almost collide before Jankowski makes the catch to end the inning. He’s going all out in a game that’s practically decided, you have to respect that. To the eighth inning!

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 7th

Rivera flies to right on a single pitch. Two down.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 7th

Cody Bradford is the new Rangers pitcher. He’ll be facing Thomas, who puts him to work, staying alive after falling behind 1-2. He fouls pitch after pitch, taking just a single slider outside. On pitch nine, Thomas finally strikes out for the first out of the inning.

Seventh inning stretch

In honor of a very ridiculous game, here’s a very ridiculous rendition of Take Me Out to the Ball Game for the seventh inning stretch.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, top 7th

Jung hits a two-out single, because that’s when the Rangers love to hit. Lowe lines out on the first pitch he sees, however, and that will take us to the seventh inning stretch.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, top 7th

What Nelson is doing right now reminds me of how the late Tim Wakefield saved the Boston Red Sox bullpen in Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, soaking up innings in what was a almost certainly a guaranteed loss. If the Diamondbacks can pull off something similar in the next few games, he will be remembered for this.

He gets Garver to strike out swinging and then Carter to bounce one right back to him for two quick outs.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 6th

Or Gurriel can ground into a double play to end the inning. Yeah, we’ve got just three innings left and it’s looking grim in Phoenix.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 6th

There’s some Diamondbacks baseball. Pham outruns a groundball for an infield single and now Arizona has runners on first and second with one out. It’s really vital that the Diamondbacks take advantage of this now if they want to have a snowball’s chance in you-know.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 6th

I keep having to remind myself that Walker is an Arizona Diamondback and not a Texas Ranger. It is all Chuck Norris’s fault. In any case, he’s up to face Dunning at the bottom of the six with one out and nobody on. Walker works a full count and, instead of taking ball four and living up to his last name, hits a flyball that falls quickly. That’s a one-out single for Walker who at least keeps the line moving.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 6th

Heaney, who is very much in line for a win here, has exited the game. The new Rangers pitcher is Dane Dunning who will face Moreno as his first batter. Dunning gets ahead 0-2 and eventually induces a groundout to third.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, top 6th

This time around, Seager strikes out swinging on just four pitches. Nelson puts together a 1-2-3 inning, an impressive performance that might be coming to late to save his team.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, top 6th

Semien is up and he immediately fouls out to the catcher. Two down in the top of the sixth.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, top 6th

We come back from the break to Run-DMC’s “It’s Tricky.” Nothing at all seems tricky to this Rangers offense, which has made baseball seem like a deceptive easy game.

Nelson is back out pitching for Arizona, facing Jankowski. Nelson falls behind 3-1 before he grounds out to second.

I’m just glad someone else is still following along with me.

On the FOX broadcast we get a poignant moment as MLB pauses the game in a moment so that those in the stands can take part in the Stand Up To Cancer initiative.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 5th

Carroll grounds out to Heaney, who has given the Rangers five strong innings. Never mind this being a bullpen game, Heaney has now given Texas a longer outing than postseason ace Nathan Eovaldi did in Game 1.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 5th

Marte grounds out, which pushes Marte to second. In a close game, this might be significant, an example of Arizona’s smallball approach. In this game it’s barely worth noting.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 5th

It feels like Geraldo Perdomo is always at the plate despite hitting in the nine-hole! He works a one-out walk. At this point, it’s about getting on however you can for the Diamondback offense.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 5th

Heaney has now made it through four innings, possibly benefitting from the Rangers’ eye-popping lead. He gets Rivera to ground out to third on three pitches.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, top 5th

Taveras pops up to third on one pitch and finally, finally, we are halfway through regulation here in Arizona. To the bottom of the fifth!

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, top 5th

Nelson gets Heim down looking on just four pitches, so it’s two down in the top of the fifth. That’s five straight out from him, quite impressive in this particular game.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, top 5th

Ryne Nelson is back out for the top of the fifth, facing Nathaniel Lowe. Nelson gets Lowe to fly out on a 2-2 pitch. Maybe he should have started this game.

Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks, bottom 4th

It’s two down with just a runner on third now. Heaney gets Thomas to ground on to second on a 2-0 count and that’s the end of the inning. Well, the Diamondbacks are on the board but they are still nine runs down, running out of outs and desperately need their bullpen to start putting up goose eggs to even have a chance.

Sacrifice fly! (Gurriel Jr) Rangers 10-1 Diamondbacks

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 4th

At this point, obviously, Heaney can’t worry about the runner on third. He just needs to give his team outs however he can manage them. Tommy Pham is up for Arizona in order to mess with that plan and he gets ahead of the count 3-1. Heaney’s command isn’t as sharp here as it was in the first three innings. Pham fouls off the next offering. 3-2.

The one thing Pham couldn’t do here was strike out and that’s what he does, looking at a fastball clearly in the zone for the first out of the inning.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 4th

Walker hits a double! The Diamondbacks have a tad bit of life with runners on second and third with nobody out. The Arizona crowd, desperate to cheer for anything, explodes like it was a game-tying home run.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 4th

Heaney returns for the fourth inning. Already, the Rangers have probably gotten what they could hope for from their nominal starter, especially given the cushion their offense has built. Moreno shows patience and walks on just five pitches. Arizona has a lead off baserunner.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, top 4th

Josh “Neil” Jung is up next. He hits a mammoth flyball on three pitches and that’s a 1-2-3 inning for Arizona! Finally some good news for our National League representatives in this game.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, top 4th

Nelson gets Carter to ground out to first on two pitches. That’s out number two, which means the Rangers have the D-backs right where they want them.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, top 4th

The Diamondbacks are now going with a different Nelson, in this instance righthander Ryne to face Garver in the top of the fourth. He’s usually a starter, which might mean he’s here to absorb innings. Garver works a full count against him, but he eventually strikes out swinging on pitch number six.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 3rd

Carroll comes up with two out and a runner on second base and he grounds out on two pitches on a close play at first. Nothing doing for the Diamondbacks there. To the fourth inning!

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 3rd

Marte is up next and on a 0-2 count he hits a double to keep the inning alive. He’s 2-for-2 and doing his part.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 3rd

Geraldo Perdomo grounds out to short for the second out of the inning.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 3rd

Okay, now is time for the Diamondbacks to try to get Heaney out of the game so they can have some kind of chance against the Texas bullpen. Emmanuel Rivera is up to hit and he works a full count, getting him to throw some extra pitches, but he eventually lines out to left to start the bottom of the third inning.

FOX goes to break to Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves Of London” and all I can think of is “you better stay away from him/ He’ll rip your lungs out, Jim.” That’s what the Rangers have done to the Diamondbacks pitching in these first three innings.

Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks, top 3rd

Seager strikes out swinging to finally end the top of the third but it’s going to take a historic effort from the Diamondbacks here to avoid going down 3-1 in this series.

Three-run home run! (Semien) Rangers 10-0 Diamondbacks

Two-run double! (Jankowski) Rangers 7-0 Diamonbacks

Rangers 5-0 Diamondbacks, top 3rd

Taveras is up with one out and the bases loaded. He can add to the Rangers lead while still making an out.

Unless he strikes out, which he does on a full count here. Two away and Frías has a chance to pitch around Walker’s error by getting an out here.

Rangers 5-0 Diamondbacks, top 3rd

The luck is not with the Diamondbacks. Heim grounds out into what could be an inning-ending double play but the usually surehanded Walker bobbles it and now the bases are loaded with still just one out.

Nelson’s coming out here, Luis Frías. The Diamondbacks still aren’t out of this, Rangers pitching gave up nine runs in Game 2, but limiting the damage early is key here. Diamondbacks manager Tony Lovullo is going to have to mix-and-match perfectly from here on out and maybe rely on a little luck.

Rangers 5-0 Diamondbacks, top 3rd

One on, one out. Lowe is up and he works a full count before knocking in a single. The Rangers have runners on first and second with still just one out.

Rangers 5-0 Diamondbacks, top 3rd

Jung singles on a 1-0 count and this feels like one of those “baserunners in every inning” game.

Rangers 5-0 Diamondbacks, top 3rd

Kyle Nelson is back out there to start the third and despite falling behind Carter 3-1, he gets Carter to ground out to Walker at first.

Well, Ohtani won’t be pitching next year so that might open up the MVP talk a little bit in 2024.

Emphasis on “might.”

Rangers 5-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 2nd

Two out a runner on first, Alek Thomas makes his Game 4 debut. Thomas almost hits an extra-base hit on 1-2, but it’s just a foul ball. 2-2. Heaney throws a pitch way outside. 3-2. On the next pitch, Thomas lines out and we’re finally done with the second inning.

See what I’m saying about this one being a marathon more than a sprint? Meanwhile, FOX cuts to commercial with a little “Shakedown Street.” The Deadhead music supervisor is once again on duty today.

Rangers 5-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 2nd

That’s two quick outs for Heaney before Lourdes Gurriel Jr. hits a single to leftfield. That’s two out and one on. Can Arizona show off a little two-out magic here like Texas did?

Rangers 5-0 Diamondbacks, bottom 2nd

Tommy Pham is up and he flies to center on three pitches.