That is definitely on you, and not because Alexandra Petri, in collaboration with composer Jack Mitchell, created these songs herself last year.

There’s a lot to be thankful for this year. Megan McArdle is grateful that neither she nor you will need to slaughter a turkey, operate a coal stove or “chip ice from the ice house to set the gelatin salad” — all things our forebears would have had to do.

The Editorial Board is grateful for the chance to be part of America’s “maddening, magnificent democratic legacy” — discontent and all. George Will is grateful, too, even if it’s only for being so close to saying “good riddance to 2023.”

But alongside all the usual suspects (family, friends, readers), I am particularly thankful for Alex’s ingenuity, because — okay, yes — she did write those songs, which are little bright bites of holiday joy, right next to the cranberry sauce. After spending a year with the tunes, I can say it’s my favorite project she’s ever done.

So set your speaker on top of the fridge as you prep today and tomorrow, and jam out to “1-800 Butterball (Counter Space Oddity).” As the turkey roasts, put the rhythmic “Gourds” on repeat; you will become well-acquainted, as it is 44 seconds long.

Then, about halfway through dinner, “Uncle John’s Had One Too Many Cocktails,” followed a half-hour later by the grand finale, “Uncle John’s Had Three Too Many Cocktails.”

Soon enough, the whole world will be singing these absurd new classics — everybody now!

🎶 It’s in your dog, it’s with your wife.

It’s in your house, it’s got a knife.

And now it’s coming for your life:

Pumpkin spice, pumpkin spiiiiice! 🎶

Chaser: When the Editorial Board of 2002 was confronted with an epidemic of deep-frying turkeys, it wrote (in a delightful piece we have republished many times) that it was grateful for “reliable insurance coverage.”

Break in case of conversation emergency

Sadly, singing the Thanksgiving hits alone won’t cut it; you need a bit of conversation, too, at your holiday table. As I teased in yesterday’s newsletter, Post Opinions is here to help.

Today, we rolled out a new text service where you can shoot Post Opinions a message whenever you need to get delivered a discussion-starting piece from our archive. I signed up today and got my first topic; I hope my guests are prepared for a blistering criticism of pickleball.

This feature will stick around long after Thanksgiving. So, once the leftovers are polished off and you find yourself out to dinner again, impress your date with your hot take on — message sending — nepo babies! Or tiger sex! Or, you know what, those delightful Thanksgiving songs.

Happy holidays, everyone.

• If the world is surprised by Argentina’s election of a right-wing firebrand as president, the Editorial Board writes, it needs to start paying better attention.
• Elon Musk’s frivolous lawsuit against Media Matters offers a glimpse into his alliance with MAGA world, Greg Sargent writes.
• Researcher Andrew Papachristos shares a promising way to bring down gun violence: a program enriching the lives of the young men at greatest risk of getting caught up in it.
• In fighting his gag order, former president Donald Trump is testing the entire judicial system, Ruth Marcus writes.

It’s a goodbye. It’s a haiku. It’s … The Bye-Ku.

Rocking hard all about gourds:

Have your own newsy haiku? Email it to me, along with any questions/comments/ambiguities. See you Friday!