Real squares in Oval Office
We had the non-thrilling debate.
Each wore blue suit and red tie. That’s how individual, different and creative they all were. The lone bones not in that outfit was Nikki Haley and she isn’t going anywhere.
From Day 1, America’s leaders didn’t come off as big-time heroic. Forget Plato. Forget even Clint Eastwood. From Day 1 here’s the United States of America’s conga line:
They were OK
George Washington. All right already with chopping that stupid cherry tree. His wooden teeth opened to liken the election to an “execution.”
John Adams so loved politicians and the business of governance that he gift-wrapped it as “party malevolence.”
1808. Little Tommy Jefferson, 5-feet-4, weighed less than a Kardashian boob and got called shrimp-like names.
James Madison. He created The Non-Intercourse Act. What that signified in his personal life, who knows. It meant the US can’t negotiate with some nations.
1816. From birth James Monroe lacked pizazz. His supporters got likened to a mishmash mess on the verge of passing on.
Not very nice
Joseph Cummins’ 2007 book “Anything for a Vote” called Andrew Jackson ruthless. His wife’s mattress itch also got him known as a bigamist. Jackson’s campaign? Bitchy. Nasty. Name-calling. Neither candidate even sent a mazel tov to the other after the election.
John Quincy Adams barely won. And who cared. History rates him a misery. Whatever that meant in his personal life, who knows.
Martin Van Buren made it the year Samuel Colt got his Colt revolver patent — for which we’re so grateful — so who the hell cares what Van Buren did.
1840. William Henry Harrison. What happened to him I also don’t know. I wasn’t actually there. But e pluribus unum. Everyone was urinating on everyone.
1844. Newspaper actual quote on nice James Polk: “A ridiculous, contemptible forlorn candidate.” And those were his praises.
Getting better
Franklin Pierce fought in the Mexican War and was a boozer and opponents always brought up that he fainted when he was at the front.
1858. Lincoln. Who’s already had a town, a car, a penny and a statue named after him. And, like Donald, ditched attending his presidential debate. So, maybe Donald will also end up with a town, a car, a penny and a hole-in-one named after him.
1868. Ulysses S. Grant. Not cuddly even besides overcoming that first name. Ulysses actually told a reporter to get lost because he had to make a train.
James Buchanan. Never married. Andrew Jackson who also wasn’t such a cuddly soul called him “Miss Nancy.”
SO: Leave it be known that a magician and a politician are the same. They both con the public. The difference basically is that when a magician does it our taxes don’t go up.
One more thought: With Adam Bullschiff, Bragg and Jerk Smith creating so many troubles, if Moses schlepped down from the Mount today, the tablets he’d carry would be Tylenol.
Only in America, kids, only in America.