Dear Amy: I have been with my 43-year-old boyfriend for two years.
He works two jobs, so we have zero time together during the week (we are both teachers).
On weekends, he goes to his mother’s house at around 5 p.m. and stays until 2 a.m. playing video games with his 13-year-old nephew. I have a 10-year-old son who my boyfriend enjoys being with, and my son also enjoys spending time with the nephew sometimes. But this past weekend, my boyfriend went to his mom’s on both Friday and Saturday nights.
I have had problems with pregnancy and do not want to have another child, but my boyfriend says that he does.
He says that I don’t get to say anything about his time with his nephew since I am unwilling to have a child with him.
It’s not the time, it’s the vast lack of balance that bothers me.
I do go to sleep earlier than he does, so why not go to his mother’s at 9 p.m. instead of 5 p.m., since his nephew stays up late?
Am I wasting my time with a man who doesn’t want to prioritize me?
— Torn
Dear Torn: Yes, the way you are currently spending your time (resenting your boyfriend for his choices and sitting at home while he goes out on the weekends) is a waste.
Your boyfriend does not want to hang out with you. (If he did, he would.)
The way you describe the situation, the way he chooses to spend his free time, as well as the way you frame his response to you, makes him sound like an adolescent who is acting out. His evident motivation and justification for being disrespectful toward you is because he doesn’t like your response to the most serious question a couple can face, which is whether to have a child.
Aside from the fact that he doesn’t seem to enjoy your company during his free time, he doesn’t sound mature enough to be a father.
Fortunately, his maturity level, or his willingness to be a real “family man” will be another woman’s problem — once you finally figure out that this is not a healthy relationship for you and your son to be in because of your disparate interests, values, and plans for the future.
Dear Amy: I am getting married in about six months. I’m the bride and have been excited to plan the wedding. I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time.
The problem I’m having is with my bridesmaids. I have six attendants. Only one of them (my sister) lives locally because I chose women from throughout various periods of my life.
I have envisioned spending a really fun Saturday dress shopping with my mother and bridesmaids, drinking champagne and trying on dresses, and I’ve been trying to coordinate this, but none of them seem able or willing to come to town to do this (two of them have family here).
I’m so disappointed and I’m unsure if I have chosen the wrong people to stand up with me.
What should I do? Should I find different attendants?
— Upset
Dear Upset: Keep the attendants, ditch the expectations.
It seems that many marrying couples are developing their ideas about what weddings should be like from reality shows, where the couples sometimes have unlimited budgets and the attendants are basically cast members.
In real life, people have work and other obligations; they are financially squeezed and they can’t be expected to fulfill every fantasy you have leading up to and including the wedding.
And bridesmaids, especially, seem to be stretched very thin, as they are expected to host showers, fly to Vegas for bachelorette weekends, purchase expensive dresses they’ll never wear again, pay for special hair and makeup sessions, and be props for perfect wedding photos.
Give these women a break, please!
Your wedding dress shopping excursion should include you, your mother, and your sister. Think about how much farther that bottle of champagne will go with just the three of you!
Settle down. Reframe your expectations. Your wedding day will be more memorable if everyone around you is feeling joyful and excited, versus exhausted and broke.
Dear Amy: “Alarmed Wife” was upset because her husband was corresponding with a much younger woman.
You should have asked her, when was the last time she initiated sex or romance with her husband? He might be looking for attention he isn’t getting at home.
— Faithful Husband
Dear Faithful: This husband is definitely looking for … something.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)