As I observe the president and the two challengers offering their countless speeches, it seems obvious they fall short of the communication skills of past presidents.
None of the three appear to have the allure and charisma demonstrated by such gifted speakers as Franklin D. Roosevelt with his fireside chats, or Ronald Reagan and his warm and relaxed charm, or Bill Clinton with his poise at the podium.
Of course, few can compete with the appeal of Abraham Lincoln’s articulation, especially as expressed in his Gettysburg Address.
I wondered if President Joe Biden, former President Donald Trump, and Vice President Kamala Harris had somehow been able to contribute to the creation of that celebrated address, how much such an effort would have helped boost their flagging oratory reputation.
Surely such a combined endeavor would have served to advance their thirst for eloquence.
I imagine it would probably have sounded like this:
“Listen folks, 87 years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation. No joke.
It was conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created by … you know, the thing.
All kidding aside, now we are engaged in a great civil war. This is a big deal.
And guess what? It’s testing whether that nation, or any nation can long endure. That’s not hyperbole.
Think about it, we are met on a great battlefield of that war. I’m serious.
We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. That I can tell you.
It is altogether huge that we should do this.
But it’s a rigged system, so it is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work, which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced, but they’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, and they’re rapists.
And some, I assume, are good people.
But I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me.
Believe me, the world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but I am the least racist person, the least racist person that you’ve ever seen, the least.
It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us.
We must together, work together, to see where we are, where we are headed, where we are going and where we should be.
There is great significance to the passage of time, and it is time for us to do what we have been doing. And that time is every day.
These brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract, unburdened by what has been.
This nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom.
Who doesn’t love freedom?
And who doesn’t love a yellow school bus?
Can you raise your hand if you love a yellow school bus?
It’s part of the joy of going to school to be with your favorite teacher, to be with your best friends, to learn that the government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
You think I just fell out of a coconut tree?”
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at [email protected].
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