Life is too short and Krystal Casey had dreams, one of which included writing a book—now she has two. A single mother of five children 13 and younger, that list of dreams also involved moving to California, becoming a motivational speaker, and sharing her story as often as possible to help other women and girls.
“I’ve learned that embracing vulnerability is a source of strength. By being open about my own journey and vulnerabilities, I’ve created a more authentic and relatable connection with the women I work with, which encourages an environment where others feel safe to share and be themselves,” she says. “I’ve also learned that empowerment is not a destination, but an ongoing process. It involves continuous learning, self-reflection, and adaptation. My work has taught me to embrace the fluidity of empowerment and to appreciate the journey rather than focusing solely on the end goals.”
As part of a showcase for local authors at 10:30 a.m. today at the Alpine Library (including Laura L. Engel, Jackie Gmach, Susan J. Farese, Melanie Ross, and Carlette Anderson), Casey will share her story about healing from abuse, helping her children navigate and heal from trauma, becoming a widow, and learning to have uncomfortable conversations that facilitate healthier relationships from her work as a contributing author to “Shattering the Stigma of Single Motherhood: A Collection of Stories Redefining Family Norms” and lead author of “Womanhood: : Identity to Intimacy and Everything in Between.”
Casey, 38, is an author, speaker, and founder of Flight of the Phoenix: A Women’s Empowerment Collective and lives in Alpine with her children. She took some time to talk about the life-changing moment she learned that her late husband had been abusing one of their children, his subsequent death from a drug overdose, and her fierce commitment to her children and to helping others cast off shame and understand their worth.
Q: I understand that your story is a sensitive one, involving the abuse of a child and also the death of your husband. Are you comfortable sharing a bit about what happened?
A: He was my grade school sweetheart, on-again, off-again throughout the years until we finally reconnected in 2007 or 2008. I was in college, working several jobs, and living in Illinois where we met. He was in the Marine Corps, stationed here in San Diego, but on tour in Iraq at the time and going through a divorce. At first, we were just catching up, but soon we were making cross-country visits and future plans. The next decade is a bit of a blur—we had five babies in 10 years while simultaneously navigating our young marriage, my childhood trauma, addictions he denied having, and the everyday ups and downs of life. A mixture of my personal healing journey and the necessity to financially contribute to our growing family led me to open an aerial yoga and dance studio in 2018. It was the first of its kind in our small town. I poured as much of my heart, soul, energy, and time into building that sacred space and community of women as I did growing and nurturing my babies, often seeking refuge in the solace of the silks to escape the life I no longer loved at home.
In March of 2020, the beginning of the most traumatizing year of my life, the coronavirus and being eight months pregnant meant I had to close my studio for what I thought would be a two-week period. During this time, the children all switched to virtual schooling. I’d homeschooled the first two kids when they were younger, but with the other kids needing my attention, having a newborn, and managing the business, I knew I just wouldn’t be able to do it all. Unfortunately, I also knew my husband would not be dependable. When it came time to go back to work, I called my mom and asked for help. We took the two older kids down to stay with her in Florida so she could help with their schooling and I could focus on the baby, the younger kids, and re-opening the studio. Everything seemed to be going fine for a while. The kids were happy with Grammie, I was relieved they weren’t missing school, and my husband and I finally seemed to be making some progress in our marriage. On March 21, 2021, I was in my home office getting ready for an afternoon session at the studio and I was excited to get back in the studio and have some fun. The girls were playing in the living room and my husband was outside grilling lunch when my phone rang. It was my mom. I almost didn’t answer it since I was trying to get ready, but since she had my kids, I picked up, just in case.
My mom asked me if I was alone. Her tone was weird and, at first, I was ready to shrug it off. Moms tend to worry too much, sometimes, and I initially thought that’s what was happening. Then she told me to make sure I was alone and to sit down because she was going to tell me something that was going to change my life forever. At that point, I was rolling my eyes and starting to urge her along in the conversation so I could get out the door. Until she said, “Krystal, he’s molesting her.” My heart stopped. The words that followed were the most vile and disgusting things you could imagine. Words that no innocent little girl should know. Words that she learned from her own father as he turned them into actions. I wanted to vomit. To run, to scream, to hurt him. My head was spinning as my mom’s voice trailed off and then, instant panic. The girls! I hung up the phone and quickly gathered up my daughters. I hurried them out into my truck, then sped away from the house as fast as I could and drove right to the police station.
The next four weeks were a blur. He was questioned and, at first, denied the allegations. I filed for a restraining order and he was removed from the house. My mom drove the older kids back home to me so that we could begin court proceedings. One afternoon, while I was waiting for my daughter to finish an interview with detectives and social services, he broke the restraining order and was immediately arrested. While in custody, he confessed to every allegation brought against him. He was facing seven felony charges. While awaiting his court date, he was bailed out of jail and decided to go out with an old acquaintance. The next day, I was pulling up to a therapy session when I got a call from my stepdad “Krystal, they just found him unresponsive.” He had such elevated levels of ethanol and methamphetamine in his blood that it caused his heart to stop. By the time they found him, it was too late. They got him breathing again, but the damage to his brain was too severe. He died April 21, 2021.
Q: What did you find most helpful to you, in terms of navigating the earliest days of these changes to you and your children’s lives?
A: Hands down, the most helpful thing was the incredible outpouring of support I received from family, friends, and our community, both online and in person. Support came in many different forms—externally, from sending us meals, to helping me with the kids, to checking in on us well after the funeral had ended and life resumed “normally,” to just being present with me and letting me ride the roller coaster of emotions. I also had to be intentional about seeking support in the form of therapy, medication, support groups for widows and single moms, blogs, books, podcasts, videos. Those all tie into the next most important thing: self-care. It became imperative for me to take better care of myself, so that I can be the mom I want to be, the mom that my kids deserve.
While I’d love to say that everyone is doing amazing, the truth is that we’ve been through a series of incredibly traumatic experiences, and healing takes time. I expect us to be working through things for a while, and some days are much harder than others, but at the end of the day, as long as we have each other, we’re going to be just fine.
What I love about Alpine…
The beautiful landscape! The kids and I love to drive through the mountains, following the curves of the road and taking in the sights of the setting sun. We also love exploring the parks, hiking, and biking whenever we can.
Q: Have you felt stigmatized as a single mother?
A: For me, the stigma came before single motherhood. The stigma was so strong that it kept me locked into my marriage far beyond when I should have left. Growing up as the child of divorced parents, I made a pact with myself at a very young age to never get divorced. So, when things happened that should have made me run—like when he accidentally discharged a firearm in our home on three separate occasions, or when I caught him with other women, or when I realized that drinking was a greater priority than his family—the shame of not being able to make it work and the fear of being a single mom is part of what kept me trapped.
Q: What has helped you overcome, or reframe, that stigma?
A: Being a single mom. Living it, going through the experience myself, was a realization that few people choose single motherhood; we’re here because our love story didn’t end the way we imagined it would. Or, because things happened outside of our control. While the title of “single mother” doesn’t carry much weight, the women that hold it certainly do. Yet, even with the weight of the world on our shoulders, we show up every single day, day in and day out, for our children. Regardless of how we feel, regardless of our energy level, regardless of the pain, or the road blocks, or the storms we weather, we keep going. There is zero shame in that.
Q: How have you, personally, redefined your understanding of what you want a family/your family to look like?
A: I really haven’t. My goals for my family remain the same: to grow together, to individually become the best humans that we can be, and to love and support one another no matter what. I didn’t grow up in a traditional home and I believe families can come in any shape, size, color, or number. It isn’t about what it looks like, it’s about what being a family means.
Q: You’ll also discuss your book, “Womanhood: Identity to Intimacy and Everything in Between,” a collection you put together with 14 other women writers. Part of what’s highlighted in this book is addressing embracing one’s identity, motherhood, life changes, and healthy relationships. Can you talk about what your own process has been like for understanding your own identity?
A: One afternoon, after we had lost her father, I was speaking with my daughter who had been the victim of his abuse. She had asked me a question about my father, her grandfather—someone my children don’t know due to my own childhood abuse. After some discussion about what had happened to me when I was younger, she paused. Then, she looked up at me and said, “I wish you would have told me sooner.” It turns out, my husband had shared this “family secret” with her while he was grooming and abusing her. Instant regret washed over me as I realized my mistake. I thought talking about it would have been traumatic for her. Turns out, not talking about it was worse. That’s when I decided to write “Womanhood.” I wanted to put together a compilation of the taboo topics and controversial conversations that we often tend to avoid as women. The things that are stigmatized or shrouded in silence yet experienced by women all around the world. The conversations I realize I may not be here to have when, one day, my girls are ready. For them, and for all the women who were taught to stay silent and small rather than take up space and be who they authentically are, this book was written.
Q: How would you describe how your own parenting, your role as a mother, has evolved as a result of your experiences?
A: I hate to admit it, but I actually feel like my experiences have stunted my growth as a parent. You know the saying, “I was a perfect parent before I had kids”? It’s kind of like that. Before, I was a full-time, stay-at-home mom and I got to spend my time being a mom and learning how to be a better mom. Ok, I was far from perfect, but I definitely felt like I was a great mom and had a handle on things. Since 2021, things have changed. Now, I need to focus on not only being a mom and managing the household, but literally everything else, too. So, in a lot of ways, it has definitely hindered it. On the other hand, it’s also provided opportunities for growth that wouldn’t have otherwise been. For instance, accepting help in the form of childcare. I used to really struggle with letting anyone else care for the kids, but during the peak of the trauma, I physically could not do it. I had to loosen my grip, release some fear, and have faith. Doing so has allowed me to both accomplish more and take the breaks I wasn’t giving myself before. Lastly, we talk about the hard things more often. I invite my kids to get uncomfortable in their conversations with me so we can stay informed, shine light on the darkness, and continue to break generational cycles.
Q: What do you hope your books are able to offer to the people who read them?
A: Permission to talk about the hard things; courage to do the harder things; encouragement, love, support, and for many of them, validation. One of the most heartbreaking things that I have discovered since sharing my story is the astonishing number of women who share stories similar to my daughter’s, with one glaring difference—the women they confided in didn’t believe or help them. I need every woman, every man, every human on Earth to hear this: When someone discloses abuse, you protect and help that person; you do not protect their abuser by remaining silent, defending the abuser, or blaming the victim.
Q: What’s been challenging about your work as an author, mother, and educator?
A: Navigating widowhood has been the most challenging. Balancing parenting, work, self-care, growth, relationships, grief, and the household is a lot for any one person. It’s a continuous journey of self-discovery and adaptation. Promoting women’s empowerment and sexual health in a world that may not always be receptive to progressive ideas can be a challenge, too. Encouraging women to embrace their strength, voice, and agency requires persistence and resilience in the face of societal norms and expectations.
Q: What’s been rewarding about this work?
A: One of the most fulfilling aspects is witnessing the positive impact on the lives of the women I work with. Empowering them to overcome their struggles, discover their strengths, and achieve personal growth brings a profound sense of fulfillment. Working with women of different ages and backgrounds allows me to contribute to a legacy of empowerment. Inspiring younger generations and creating a positive ripple effect for the future is what it’s all about.
Q: What is the best advice you’ve ever received?
A: Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. Trust your intuition. That feeling means something; don’t ignore it.
Q: What is one thing people would be surprised to find out about you?
A: I was born on an Army base in Germany and moved a lot growing up. I went to nine different schools.
Q: Please describe your ideal San Diego weekend.
A: An ideal weekend definitely includes a day at the beach! Walking the boardwalk, people watching, and a little aerial yoga on the sand, drinks and dancing at Beach House, and the food. There are so many delicious places to explore around San Diego beaches, but we’re sure to end up at Hodad’s if the kids get a say.