Dear Amy: My friend “Brian” passed away over three years ago. I was friends with Brian and his wife “Marcia” for more than 40 years.
Prior to their relationship and subsequent marriage, Marcia and I were very close friends. We never dated. We just liked each other’s company and had fun “hanging out” together. After a while, she wanted more from the relationship, but I was not ready for a long-term commitment, and shortly afterward, I moved to another state to open a restaurant.
I was very happy when Brian and Marcia married; they had a great marriage, and raised two beautiful and successful children.
My conundrum is this: I am now in my retirement years, divorced, with grown children.
I have been thinking quite often about Marcia, but I don’t know how to approach her to see if she has any interest in rekindling the old feelings she had for me. Over the years I regretted not pursuing her. I was too young and too stupid.
Now I see it like this: Life is too short to not try to make yourself happy.
Is it wrong for me to even think about trying to date her?
It feels wrong because she was married to my good friend.
If the situation was different, I would want a close friend to be with my widow, knowing that he would be good to her.
Any good advice would be much appreciated!
— Go For It or Not?
Dear Go For It: I have little advice for you, other than to encourage you to pursue rekindling a relationship with someone you’ve known and liked for decades.
You don’t note whether you have kept in close touch with “Marcia” over these last three years, but in my opinion, three years after a loss might present the right moment to make your move.
Life is short — but love is long. I wish you all the best.
Dear Amy: My mother recently asked my 13-year-old daughter and my 16-year-old niece if they would get matching tattoos with her once they turn 18.
I do not approve of this and am wondering how I should go about telling my mother that this is not acceptable.
Growing up, my mother was always vehemently opposed to tattoos and body piercings — or even me cutting my hair too short.
Now that she is a grandmother, it seems she wants to be the cool grandma that all the grandchildren adore. While I am great with that approach and want my kids to be close to my mother, I do not feel it is appropriate for her to suggest to them that they get matching tattoos with her.
She recently had an older godchild get a matching tattoo with her and I believe that child’s mother was not pleased.
I understand that what my children do when they are adults is up to them, but I do not want my mother suggesting matching tattoos to my children.
Am I wrong to be disappointed in my mother?
How should I approach her?
— Upset
Dear Upset: “Cool granny.” Sigh — it’s a thing now. I’ve always thought the best thing about being a grandparent is that you don’t have to try so hard to be cool.
Your mother is obviously eager to relate to the young people in her life, and I say — good for her. But if getting body art is against a value you maintain in your family, you should be honest about it. Tell her, one time, and then — leave it alone.
You very wisely understand that your child can make her own decisions regarding tattoos when she is older.
For now, you can weigh in to say, “I think this idea is … strange, and I wish you wouldn’t do it. But that will be up to you when you’re 18.”
Dear Amy: “Baffled in Boston” is conflicted about whether to tell his abusive brother how he hurt him as a child.
In my case it was my father. What was healing was to say, “Dad, who we are as adults is very different from when I was a child, but it is important for me to tell you how you hurt me.”
My father did not apologize, but that didn’t matter to me; what mattered was me saying it, directly, openly, and honestly.
Thanks for your column. I read it every day, and I appreciate it.
— Jim
Dear Jim: Publishing supportive responses such as yours helps other readers. Thank you!
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)