Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 14 years (his third marriage, my second). We are very happy.
We each have two adult children.
His 42-year-old son, “Tony,” recently divorced with a preschooler, has always had issues.
Last Father’s Day, my husband’s children and grandchildren gathered at our house.
Tony, who has a drinking problem, started drinking beer early.
I was busy attending to the group and wasn’t really paying attention to the amount he was consuming. (Plus, he’s a grown man; I’m not responsible for him.)
Later, Tony decided that he and his child would spend the night at our house.
I fed, bathed, and put the child to bed, still not realizing that he was continuing to drink.
I went to bed, but was awakened by Tony and my husband arguing loudly. I told them both to go to bed.
My husband walked into our bedroom and Tony followed. Then suddenly, he punched his father with a closed fist, knocking him over!
He immediately ran out and punched a huge hole in our living room wall, and then moved outside where he continued to destroy things.
He broke the orbital bone in my husband’s eye, which has required extensive surgery and numerous doctors’ visits.
Tony reached out by phone in the following days, but did not speak to his father.
He has since emailed and sent handwritten letters to both of us.
Although there has always been tension between the two, his father is making noises about forgiveness.
Am I obligated to forgive this person who caused so much damage to our family … even though he is part of our family?
I honestly have no desire to ever see or speak to him again.
I’d appreciate your insight.
— Concerned Wife
Dear Concerned: First this: A violent assault took place in your home, with a young child present. Someone should have called the police. An arrest would set potentially challenging legal consequences in motion, but it might have also started the process of protecting this child from contact with “Tony” until Tony demonstrated the ability to be a safe parent.
You don’t say what remorse Tony has expressed in his contact, but you will have to determine whether he has acknowledged his actions, sincerely asked for forgiveness, and started the process of making amends.
If not, he might not be ready — and you might not be ready.
My instinct is that your husband might be moving toward forgiveness as a way of trying to forget this assault and to ignore or bury the shame he might feel of being victimized in this way by his own son.
He might also be trying to continue to parent his son, by extending his forgiveness as a positive example.
But forgiveness is both an action and an art. You can determine for yourself whether to attempt the action, but the art of forgiveness requires compassion, sincerity, and a genuine release of anger. Deep and sincere forgiveness is a liberating experience.
Forgetting? That’s another matter.
Dear Amy: A friend recently passed along some extremely negative comments about me that had been uttered by another friend.
I feel completely destabilized by this, and now I feel betrayed by both friends.
I guess I’m reaching out for some direction for how to respond to this.
— Upset
Dear Upset: I think it’s appropriate (and might be helpful) for you to ask the friend who repeated these statements, “I’m wondering, now, why you chose to repeat those comments to me?” This friend’s intent might have been to let you know — and try to prove — that your friendship with the other person is misplaced.
You can answer truthfully that you wish they had found another way to convey this idea, because now you are left feeling let down by both people.
Telling the other person that you are now aware of these comments will leave the issue in their court.
Dear Amy: I am astonished how often your readers have apparently not thought of saying “no” to a commitment that burdens them.
I am forever grateful to the person who taught me that “It is OK to say no to a perfectly reasonable request.”
It helped me to realize that my saying no is not a reflection on my feelings about the other person. It simply helps me to take charge of my own life.
— Saying Yes to No
Dear Saying Yes: I agree that this is fantastic advice. Thank you so much for allowing me to share it with readers.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)